Halloween

My favorite holiday ever. Life has been busy. Ive been happy. I cant wait for apple cider and bonfires.

Too much is not enough. Enough is just too much.

Impossible.
Not my word of choice, but absolutely my word of habit.

Never, ever, (if you want to be kept around), give me what I want.

The truth is, I don't want a god damned thing that I "want".
I just want to want it. I want something to work at, an ideal to fantisize.

I am completely "a dog chasing a car". Once I have it, I have no idea what to do with it.

I'm happiest when I'm alone,
and I'm lonliest when I'm with anyone or everyone else.

I am bored by unconditional and lazy companionship.

I wish I could get off on something.
Dancing. Writing. Making sandwiches. Architecture. Fucking. Jump-rope.
Anything.

Impossible? you got it.
I just really need a breath of fresh air.

You either get it, or you don't.

Here's to lookin at you, kid.

Heart shaped glasses will lead you to see what you wish to see.

The last person to believe he loved me had created a character of me for himself. This character, my character, was composed (quite artistically) out of his favorite qualities of mine. Most of these qualities were also of himself because that was what he valued most.

People are loved, and objects are not. I am not an object of affection. I am not a character, and I, sure as hell, do not belong on a pedestal.I am only myself, and that is all I can offer. Any person who chooses to pick from my qualities is either delusional or foolish.

That same person handled love, sex, and rejection like a spoiled child. He tagged me with a necklace that eventually started to feel like a choke-leash. He tore away any jewelry that attempted to replace it, as if I were property. As if he were in any position to destroy and remove things on or in me that he found unsuitable.

I am not a child that needs to be guided, or a doll to be dressed to anyone's liking but my own. And when this showed, he became child-like and arrogant in his fits and corrections, failing to recognize that I was not his to correct.

Now, I can't sit here and play an angel. I wasn't perfect in this, and in some instances, I egged it on.

I was looking for that kind of push, at the time. I was bored with people and I found someone who could challenge me. However, I was unable to separate a challenge from a hissy fit.

Somewhere along the line, I went from fascinated to bored. I became comfortable, lazy in my attempts of friendship and exploration, and I lost my boundaries. The once exciting agitations and challenges became annoyances and "bumps in the road", and the things that I admired the very most about him became the things that I couldn't stand.

I have never harbored secrets of my character. I realized, neither did he. We were just wearing heart shaped glasses. We saw what we wanted to see regardless of anything.

They say that love is blind. Well, I never really cared to be loved. I just want to be seen.

Foundation: Selfishness

I am selfish. My well-being is simple.

It depends only on the satisfaction of my own self-regarding wants and desires. I like that.

There is no action in my world (or yours) without motivation of reward.
(even if the reward is the avoidance of negative consequences or guilt).


Thus, "altruistic" acts do fall under the category of selfishness, as these are actions that self-promote. I can act aside from immediate well-being while being selfish. Still not clicking? Allow me to explain:



Situation 1: A man jumps in front of a loaded gun pointed at another.

Payoff: it may be that avoiding years of guilt as a bystander is a stronger desire than life at the moment, and may even potentially reward in a higher quality of life, should he survive. Guilt may be a non-self regarding interest to do what is "right". However,the entire feeling and situation is self-regarding as the man does exactly what he wants to do. Thus, he pursues self-interest.


Situation 2 : A Man shoves someone else in front of the gun to save himself.


So who is more selfish?
Both men are equally selfish. Both men did exactly what they desired.


This is exactly why I refute the idea that all selfish acts only pertain to the preservation of life (as Ayn Rand seems to claim.). Rand's version of egoism deals more with what others ought to do, rather than what people actually want to do. She implies rules on how we should act and ideals defining what she perceives to be "correct" values. Yet, she claims that selfishness is not desire related. hmmm?

She claims that to help others is to put other lives above your own. She paints altruistic behavior (even on egoist grounds) as self-degrading. In short, she creates a version of the altruist that is far too easy to attack. It's like a target you can't miss.

"It is necessary and sufficient for an action to be morally right that it maximize one's self interest."- Ayn Rand

Her flaw is in over-defining "self interest", and in touching the word "morally". She imposes personal "oughts" and personal preferences in character trait and ignores the true nature of selfishness by assuming that life-sustaining acts are the only correct acts. Her idea of "correct" behavior combats the most basic and selfish need. The need to fulfill desire.

It may be that the strongest desire is to live (for most), but she fails to recognize other desires that may become temporarily stronger and override the desire to live. When self-sacrifice satisfies the most self-interested need (the need to fulfill desire), it is selfish. ( Furthermore, who is to say that to help is to sacrifice?)

To ignore desire is to sacrifice wants in the name of oughts. Thus, her ideals are over personalized and Utopian.

I refuse to follow what I ought to do rather than what I want to do. Why? Because I am selfish.
It is not in my self-interest to bend my desires to any outside influence or ideal. I believe that self-interest is identified with the fulfillment and satisfaction of all of one's preferences and desires. As a result, I find that all my actions are self-interested. Period.

On.

Sometimes letting things burn down leaves the purest remains.

Welcome back, it's time to start building.

Off.

The ups aren't really ups, and the downs aren't really down either.

I can invision my head as an office, with fluorescent lighting and thousands of paper-pushers. And these little brain cell workers, they are flipping the fuck out, and burning the place to the ground.

Why ? Because I file the same blank page. Over and over and over and over again.

(Insanity isn't as glamorous as it looks, but tomorrow is a fresh start, and that mirror is full length.)