Foundation: Selfishness

I am selfish. My well-being is simple.

It depends only on the satisfaction of my own self-regarding wants and desires. I like that.

There is no action in my world (or yours) without motivation of reward.
(even if the reward is the avoidance of negative consequences or guilt).


Thus, "altruistic" acts do fall under the category of selfishness, as these are actions that self-promote. I can act aside from immediate well-being while being selfish. Still not clicking? Allow me to explain:



Situation 1: A man jumps in front of a loaded gun pointed at another.

Payoff: it may be that avoiding years of guilt as a bystander is a stronger desire than life at the moment, and may even potentially reward in a higher quality of life, should he survive. Guilt may be a non-self regarding interest to do what is "right". However,the entire feeling and situation is self-regarding as the man does exactly what he wants to do. Thus, he pursues self-interest.


Situation 2 : A Man shoves someone else in front of the gun to save himself.


So who is more selfish?
Both men are equally selfish. Both men did exactly what they desired.


This is exactly why I refute the idea that all selfish acts only pertain to the preservation of life (as Ayn Rand seems to claim.). Rand's version of egoism deals more with what others ought to do, rather than what people actually want to do. She implies rules on how we should act and ideals defining what she perceives to be "correct" values. Yet, she claims that selfishness is not desire related. hmmm?

She claims that to help others is to put other lives above your own. She paints altruistic behavior (even on egoist grounds) as self-degrading. In short, she creates a version of the altruist that is far too easy to attack. It's like a target you can't miss.

"It is necessary and sufficient for an action to be morally right that it maximize one's self interest."- Ayn Rand

Her flaw is in over-defining "self interest", and in touching the word "morally". She imposes personal "oughts" and personal preferences in character trait and ignores the true nature of selfishness by assuming that life-sustaining acts are the only correct acts. Her idea of "correct" behavior combats the most basic and selfish need. The need to fulfill desire.

It may be that the strongest desire is to live (for most), but she fails to recognize other desires that may become temporarily stronger and override the desire to live. When self-sacrifice satisfies the most self-interested need (the need to fulfill desire), it is selfish. ( Furthermore, who is to say that to help is to sacrifice?)

To ignore desire is to sacrifice wants in the name of oughts. Thus, her ideals are over personalized and Utopian.

I refuse to follow what I ought to do rather than what I want to do. Why? Because I am selfish.
It is not in my self-interest to bend my desires to any outside influence or ideal. I believe that self-interest is identified with the fulfillment and satisfaction of all of one's preferences and desires. As a result, I find that all my actions are self-interested. Period.

On.

Sometimes letting things burn down leaves the purest remains.

Welcome back, it's time to start building.

Off.

The ups aren't really ups, and the downs aren't really down either.

I can invision my head as an office, with fluorescent lighting and thousands of paper-pushers. And these little brain cell workers, they are flipping the fuck out, and burning the place to the ground.

Why ? Because I file the same blank page. Over and over and over and over again.

(Insanity isn't as glamorous as it looks, but tomorrow is a fresh start, and that mirror is full length.)

When Push Comes to Pause

I have never been good at keeping anything alive that doesn't cry for attention. This is why I've never kept house plants. That is also why this is two years old and barely touched.

A few months back I had some ideals. And so did you, and so did him and her and everyone else. A few months back, I was full of shit. I thought that I wanted these things, but really, I wanted to be the kind of person that wants those sort of things. ( I had me fooled,too).

Rejecting impluse and instinct in the name of personalized ideals... What a bad joke. Even worse? Social "habits". Habits, as in, some inclination to act or think in a way that had been programmed into my brain before I was old enough to know cheerio's from boogers. ie: Boys wear blue. Girls wear pink. etc... What a waste.

Hear that clock ticking? Uh-huh. That's your life.

Indulgence is key. I am not here to babysit myself in the name of ideals (even self proposed ones). I am not here to pick and choose what I allow myself to enjoy, be it primal,unfavored, or in contradiction to those proposed "values" I/you/him/and her have.

Contradictions do not exist.

closure on you

I put you on the shelf like an old toy. Something that was once new, shiny, and intensely loved for ten minutes.You are a member of my collection. You let me do this to you.

Though, its not because I want to be this way.
It's because you are complete submission. Clinging like a parasite. Dying without a host.

"The slave thinks he is released from bondage only to find a stronger set of chains",
and you will. Its in your nature. It's in your lack of belonging, your unfound self, and your inability to stand unsupported.

Its a choice of being. I can only offer myself , downfalls included.


You put me higher than I belong, now you know what its like to be below.